the core.

Today.

A day in which it is necessary to end with a blackberry whiskey and coke.

This month...

 So many things hanging in the balance (my life, my car, my everything)

This year...

 The one that will separate the core. the corps. ha.

There's a group of friends I have...ones that walked through my "my hair was dark like my soul" days, my "spoon" days, that stood with me at my wedding (or at least danced joyfully during the reception), ones that have lived my entire adult life with me...

   and this year...we're disbanding, moving on, going our own ways.

Don't get me wrong...we still love each other, want to share life together...it's just...Life is taking us to different places.

Ohhhh how I wish I could walk hand in hand with you to the place Life is taking you. and you. and you.

But I can't...cause Life is leading me a different place.

But...I'll hold your heart in my heart. And I'll love the place Life is taking you. And I'll love you.

And I won't be able to replace you, but new people will come...alongside me and alongside you.

But we'll always have a place in each other's hearts...we just will...we've all shared too much.

I guess today is a day of sorrow for what will no longer be...somewhere out there in the unforseen.

the reason i don't play music on my drive home from work:

Things that I say regularly:

  "Please don't lay on me, I'm not a bed."
  "Why are your hands in my pocket?"
  "Thank you, but no kissing at school".
 "Oh, your face is touching my face"
 "Okay...let go, let go... of my (leg, hand, arm, waist, back, neck)."

Today...a certain child fell to her knees behind me and grabbed my buttocks. Why, I ask? Why...?

Today...I said hello to a certain child and she stuck her tongue out at me.

Today...a certain child saw the bus approaching and pushed himself against the gate with their arms wide open screaming at the top of their lungs. When the bus driver waved at him, he silently and slowly drew one finger across his neck. Yep....why?

Today...a certain Kindergartner sat with me on the bus. She wanted to tell me everything. "I can count to 100", she said, "1..2...3...  (Dear Lord have mercy I thought...)

Today we were coloring pictures of pigs (farm unit).
     me: here's our pig, here's the pigs curly tail, baby pis are called piglets. What animal are we coloring again?
  certain student: dog. a dog. dog dog dog.
  me: no, pig. say pig. Pig.
  certain student: dog
(a few minutes later)
  me: what sound does a pig make
  certain student: arf arf, bark bark, arf arf.
 me: (i surrender)

crying, tattling, nose picking, disobeying, defiance, inability to put on or take off coats/sweatshirts/gloves/hat, etc....oh boy.

ummm wine? yes please.

children

Every morning I greet each child as they get off the bus.

I am waved to, smiled at, hugged tightly, said "hello" to...by many children I have grown to love over the years.

However, no one, ever, in my AM class, never ever ever says"hello" to me...or hugs me. Or responds to me at all.

In fact, I bring this up about every day at breakfast. I pull up a seat, put my elbows on the table, and sigh heavily.

  "No one said good morning to me today," I'll say in a sad voice. Then, of course, everyone says, "ohh good morning, hello, hi, Miss Alissa, you are crazy!".

  There is one child in my class that is ESPECIALLY not a morning person. He stalks into the building, frowning, eyebrows crunched together. It takes him about 30 minutes before he's in a normal mood.

 But, without fail, every morning, I say "good morning *****". He silently storms by me.

But TODAY, oh blessed today! He was frowning, and he was silent...but right before he went inside he slipped me a hug. My first, from this child. (okay...that's a lie...the first one that I haven't stolen...the first that HE initiated).

 >>>>>Shortly after, his three year old brother came up to me and said, "you have a big chin", and walked away.

   You win some, you lose some.

Saturday Reflections

On...Monday I got really full of myself and my running abilities. I vetoed my normal 5.5 speed of running and pushed myself at 8.0. Still feeling it when I walk up and down the stairs....dang!

Today Mark signed my name Alissa Richards. I cried. Crazy, much?

On Thursday I woke up desperately sick. I peeled myself off of my bed, threw on a sweatshirt, pulled my uncombed hair into a ponytail and got in my car. My car didn't start. Utterly defeated I cried my way back inside, poured out my mug of coffee, and got back in bed. (yes, Nick heard me "whimpering").

Tomorrow I leave with my love for a special overnight getaway. It was my Christmas present...a surprise getaway. Very Excited, very needed..

There is a movie entitled "The Lady" coming out in (select?) theatres in February. It's about Burma...and Aung  San Suu Kyi.  And I hope it awakens the world  (or at least us americans) to a conflict that is older than I am. Hopeful.

umm....Go Broncos?

Camel Dreams

I have always been a planner. A big dreamer. Serious about my one life and how I'll choose to live it.

It's something I oftentimes fail to recognize properly about myself.

When Mark and I were dating something that he said to me repeatedly was how much he admired my outlook on life-my serious, purposeful, thought-out approach.

Just the other day I was talking with my mom. Not a normal catch up conversation...one of those frantic phone calls (where you may or may not have dialed the same person six times in a row in a matter of five minutes). A conversation where I needed reassurance, calming, encouragement. A "you is smart, you is kind, you is important" kind of a moment.

I was distressed about a number of small things that all boiled down to the fact that my life is very much in limbo right now...on the verge...and I just want so much and don't know when I'll get/arrive/have what I envision and...ya know, meltdown. "I just want to have a plan", I said to mom. She said, "Alissa, you DO have a plan. Your life is/has been the most planned, most thought out of anyone's I've ever known".

Hmm... I thought. She's right.

All of that to say...I tend to be a bit serious, particularly when it comes to my vision of my (our/Mark's) future.

The other night I got carried away (again...this happens at least once a week)...planning, envisioning, talking.

(Mark is so gracious to me as I work through all the intricacies of my heart's desire(s). He is a patient listener as I share everything I can think of. )

When I had spilled every thought/emotion/plan the other night...I realized I am so often consumed by the "serious" things I want us to accomplish, about "serious" matters like professions, mission or secular organizations, retirement, childbirth/rearing abroad/US that I rarely share my silly fantasies...my guilty pleasure visions that are inconsequential but apart of my heart nonethless.

So, I shared one with Mark. A really silly one. This desire involves me with long flowing (somehow thick) hair, a turban (that makes me look mysterious and important) and a camel ride across a desert (probably running...somehow involved in rescuing someone, scratch that, saving a life.) =)

We shared some visions like that...some inconsequential ones, but ones' that make our hearts beat faster. And I absolutely loved hearing from my husband some of those dreams...fantasies. Can't wait...we'll see what happens.

So, uh, what's your "camel dreams"?

fire

Today is one of those days...

    one of those days where your hearts just on fire. full. fragile. in touch.

I am on a cliff, really. The jump will come...sooner or later.

And it will be beautiful and messy and hard and sorrowful and exciting.

And right now, while I'm on the "edge"...I'm trying to prepare for all those things it will be.

I'll get there...we'll get there.

Saturday Thoughts

leaving Christmas decorations up > spending all Saturday taking them down.

Warm weather > cold weather

a car with no heat, that is unable to defrost itself = a car that turns itself off while at stop lights.

Morning class< Afternoon class

Welcome 20-12

Welcome 2012. I am totally one of those people who does New Years. No,no...not the cute little black dress and the heels and the drinks and the big party (maybe one day). The other part of it...the re-evaluating, goal-setting, more discipline, reflection part of the change of the year. Mark things I'm a little funny sometimes. I'm someone who alllwayyyyss has goals, always has a list of things to achieve, but of course this changing of the years is a more important time of analyzing and such. The New Year...new start, new mercies, new plans, new hang ups. New. Does New= Change? This year I hope it does. Change in routines, jobs, relationships....change. Change...good and bad, scary yet appealing. I wrote down my list of Resolutions yesterday (in my private journal) and maybe one day I'll write about them on here. But regardless, I encourage you to do the same-goal setting is such an important thing. And don't just write them down in a notebook somewhere only to forget about them until Dec. 31st of next year....hang it up in your room, your bathroom, on a kitchen cabinet, or taped to the steering wheel of your car. I like to accompany each of my resolutions with a bible verse...gives me something to meditate on,it acts as a powerful reminder as to why these things are important. Just an idea. Start work back tomorrow after a 2 week break? I am so ready yet so not. Boo.