Friday, January 14, 2011

feeling sick...and contemplative

I believe in callings. I was reminded of that dear truth a few hours ago during a conversation with a co-worker. She talked of her calling to teach and I was surprised, yet happy to hear her say that. People don't talk about callings really (anymore, or did they ever?). Maybe in the christian circle that is a word we use from time to time, but I haven't heard it in a LONG time. And yes, I believe that some of us do have certain vocational callings. Some of us...don't, and that is just fine.
I used to be someone that was so consumed with being on God's "right" path for me, that I weighed every decision and option in front of me. Oh wait, am I still that way? ;) I just want to live this life right...and there are so many different ways for me to do that. And I don't like choice...I like one clear "right" answer. But let's face it, at every road I look down I see some really awesome things, and some sorrow from missing out on the really awesome thing down that other road.

So, I'm trying to live in the now. And pray. And prepare for a few different options...just in case. And I'm remembering to continue to grow my mind, so I'm reading about people and places that I don't understand but desparately long to. And I'm wishing I could take a class or two in the summer (something other than the bollywood dance class that I know in my heart exists and in it's own little way is my calling for june and july). And I'm remembering my New Year's Sunday connection to God, when I sang that blessed Amazing Grace to the tune of all bets are off, we've got a New Year in front of us, I'm stripping off the weights of 2010 and moving forward to 2011...and I'm attempting to rid my heart of all malice, envy, vanity, pride...and replace it with things of Him.

Trying...not just thinking of all the things I want and need to change, but taking little steps and making little efforts...that is trying.

And my throat feels like it is on fire. and there are cottonballs in my eyes. and we know how I feel about cottonballs. it must be time for bed.

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