Monday, August 1, 2011


There's this thing with me and health and beauty services... it is a struggle...always always a struggle. It seems that no matter what I am getting done, I am confused about how to act. The time in-between the services offered has wiped my mind totally blank about the normal procedures-the basic protocals.

Example #1: Some time ago (a long time ago...around senior year), my mother got a new hair stylist that she absolutely adored. After hearing her rave and rave about this hairstylist, I scheduled a cut. I arrived and said my typical line "I don't care what you do..just blonder and cut, but not too short". As she took me to the sink to wash my hair, I got perplexed. Maybe I was tired, maybe I was nervous, maybe I had washed my hair in the sink one too many times, but I did it-I went into the chair on my stomach, slouched my neck and head into the sink. There was a moment of silence and then dear, sweet Shauna said "no, you sit in the chair". Even though I was mortified, I could not wipe the smile off of my face.

Example # 2: From the very get go the optometrist and I struggled. That fateful day in 5th grade when I entered his office and he asked me to read the letters I turned a full circle-completely unable to see even a poster. Over the years I began to dread those eye doctor visits-always a failure, it felt, never could read those damn letters. And don't even get me STARTED on the eye puffer (mr. pufferkins)...not a time has passed when I haven't nearly fallen out of my seat and moved my arms towards my head to protect myself. Both the doctor and I laugh every. single. time. One especially trying visit left me all worked up...I was asked to read the letters and the first was an "O"...which I called zero. Oh, I threw myself for a loop. I said, "oops, not a zero, I'll start over". And then again, "zero".
The next letter happened to be a "Z" which I called a seven. I read "zero, seven". Then I got very worked up. "no, no", I said. I knew I was wrong...but there was no turning back. Numbers instead of letters, numbers instead of letters all the day long. Finally, my kind optometrist decided I should take a break-calm myself down.

Example #3: Around 4 months ago I went to get my oil changed. I don't recall it being an unusually early Saturday morning, but I must have been out. of. it. They asked me to pull of those deals where you gotta get both tires on a metal rack thing...I started in, the man pointed to the left. I proceed to turn my wheel, hand over hand over hand, all the way to the left. I pull forward a little more. The man points to the right. I turn my wheel all the way to the right-as far as it can go. This happens, back and forth, at least 3 times. He was so annoyed. I didn't get what I had done until a month later... HILARIOUS. (today I got my oil changed, and with the last experience fresh in my mind-parked it perfectly and quickly).

Example #4: Last week Mark and I went to get out annual check-ups. Confusing for sure-I hadn't been to the doctor in years! When given a robe and toold to change out of my clothes I was immediately alarmed. Which way did the opening in the robe go? I had no idea...I tried it on front ways, I tried it on back ways. Both felt I text my dad. The opening goes in the back, turns out.

Example #5: I have always thought of myself as someone who has a high pain tolerance. Mostly, that idea has been in my head because of all the compliments I have gotten while at the dentist/orthodontist. I'm not even kidding-I have the biggest head about how brave I am, how much pain I can handle...I have even bragged (on more than one occassion) about my pain tolerance and blah blah blah. Well...come to find out, it's all been a hoax. I have now realized (after a horrific display at the dentist last week), that the reason the dentist says things like "you're so brave" and "you're one tough little girl" is because I am so pathetically hurting they feel like they need to encourage me. Seriously. Multiple times at the dentist office last week, multiple people patted my shoulder, gave me hugs, told me I was "brave", even gave me a BLANKY to snuggle under when I got cold.

I now fear childbearing.


  1. Hilarious!! I've done things like that... Have you ever gone to a drive-in bank? Most confusing thing in the world. Also, I wish I had read this before our pedicures last week... I was so confused the whole time about what to do and how to act!

  2. Hahahahahhahahahahaa :) My favorite is the backward haircut experience!!