2015

Always a girl who enjoys lists, goals, reflecting, and pinching the most meaning out of every moment... it is no surprise that New Year Resolutions are an important part of my annual calendar.

Mark isn't always so eager to join me in (yet another) five hour conversation about the meaning of life and if we're living intentionally enough, and plans for setting practical goals daily to get where we intend to go 15 years from now....and so on and so on.  I don't see why he doesn't leap at the opportunity to discuss these things weekly with me. =) But the beginning of the new year, he's always ready to indulge me at this goal-setting time.

Last year we spent New Years in Burma. We shake our heads still in wonder at that vacation-it was so beautiful and perfect, a wonderful culmination to a wonderful year. When we returned we spent some time thinking about our goals. We decided to do it a bit differently, and chose only five things for the month of January. Five things to pray about, intentionally work on improving, five things to focus our attention on. The intention was to come together monthly with new "5 things", but when February came around, we both felt that we needed to keep praying about and working on the same five things. And in March, April, May, still we were not ready to change our focus. And, a whole year has passed now and it was these five things that we wrapped our year around.

We chose one overarching phrase for 2015, and we wrote it on our walls and in our hearts."May Love Abound".  I whispered it to myself when I dreaded another day of giving, giving, giving. We said this phrase to one another when we struggled to make a decision. Sometimes love did abound and it was beautiful. Sometimes we chose more sacrifice and more love and it was hard and we didn't want to. Sometimes I did not choose love, and my husband, and friends, and kids bore the brunt of it. Love did not always abound this year, but we tried to lean in to this idea-to open our hearts in bigger ways and I believe we grew and were blessed because of it.

I am blessed to think of our years' goals and see so clearly how God has moved.

1.  Grad School for Mark

Last year we began praying about if and when Mark should pursue his masters, at what university, and with what program. At the close of 2015, I am incredibly proud to report that Mark has received his first two A's in his first two classes.

2. That our house would be used, and the rooms filled up

Our house has been a constant source of joy and frustrating. It is just... big. And empty. And we have often wrestled with the choice we made in moving here as it doesn't align well with our values of simplicity. So we prayed and prayed and prayed that our house could be used. And we have been blessed to have friends, and a missions team, and family, and couch surfers in our house on temporary occasions, but it did not seem enough to warrant the extra rooms. But for several months this last year we had a great friend live part-time at our house, which gave them the opportunity to pursue a job and broaden their world. And we are so happy that we got to be apart of that in some small ways.

3. Friendship

We prayed for deeper connections and friendships. And then an amazing couple joined the ICS family this year and we "clicked" instantly. We are incredibly thankful for them. We continued to be intentional with prioritizing our church community, and our relationships continue to grow and grow. It has felt a whole lot more like home this year as we continue to invest in this community.

4. Abiding

We prayed and sought to abide in Christ. We read books and the bible. We had talks and we prayed. This year has been a hard year for me spiritually. Sometimes God does not seem so good when the world shows all its bad. But other times it is the truth that he has and will overcome that allows me to start over every morning.

5. Baby

Beginning last January we started praying for a baby. And, well, baby comes in May. I'm sure many more prayers will be uttered. =)

Mark and I have a few days "off" together this next week. And we are talking again about our resolutions. There is a lot of unknown ahead, a lot of ways we will need to grow, a lot of things to prepare for. 2016-bring it on, we are excited for all that you will hold!

The Glamour of Pregnancy

1st Trimester:

(Must sleep)



2nd Trimester:

(Must Eat)






Not Pictured: my closet, where piles upon piles of clothes lie from the 15 different outfits I try on every morning before finding something that fits and doesn't look ridiculous.

I would be embarrassed by these photos if I didn't think they were so incredibly hilarious. Bring it on third trimester- I'm ready and waiting!

"Home"- by Warsan Shire

no one leaves home unless
home is the mouth of a shark
you only run for the border
when you see the whole city running as well

your neighbors running faster than you
breath bloody in their throats
the boy you went to school with
who kissed you dizzy behind the old tin factory
is holding a gun bigger than his body
you only leave home
when home won’t let you stay.

no one leaves home unless home chases you
fire under feet
hot blood in your belly
it’s not something you ever thought of doing
until the blade burnt threats into
your neck
and even then you carried the anthem under
your breath
only tearing up your passport in an airport toilets
sobbing as each mouthful of paper
made it clear that you wouldn’t be going back.

you have to understand,
that no one puts their children in a boat
unless the water is safer than the land
no one burns their palms
under trains
beneath carriages
no one spends days and nights in the stomach of a truck
feeding on newspaper unless the miles travelled
means something more than journey.
no one crawls under fences
no one wants to be beaten
pitied

no one chooses refugee camps
or strip searches where your
body is left aching
or prison,
because prison is safer
than a city of fire
and one prison guard
in the night
is better than a truckload
of men who look like your father
no one could take it
no one could stomach it
no one skin would be tough enough

the
go home blacks
refugees
dirty immigrants
asylum seekers
sucking our country dry
niggers with their hands out
they smell strange
savage
messed up their country and now they want
to mess ours up
how do the words
the dirty looks
roll off your backs
maybe because the blow is softer
than a limb torn off

or the words are more tender
than fourteen men between
your legs
or the insults are easier
to swallow
than rubble
than bone
than your childs body
in pieces.
i want to go home,
but home is the mouth of a shark
home is the barrel of the gun
and no one would leave home
unless home chased you to the shore
unless home told you
to quicken your legs
leave your clothes behind
crawl through the desert
wade through the oceans
drown
save
be hunger
beg
forget pride
your survival is more important

no one leaves home until home is a sweaty voice in your ear
saying-
leave,
run away from me now
i dont know what i’ve become
but i know that anywhere
is safer than here

Happiness Resource

Eyes Closed
Hair blowing in the wind
The ocean spray sprinkles my arms, face, my lips.
I taste salt.

I breathe it in- the air, the breeze-
so cool and refreshing.
I fill up my lungs with this air
this air that tastes of salt and earth and sun and beauty.

I breathe it in- the smell-
so wild and intoxicating.
I focus in on this scent
this scent of ocean and mystery, coconut trees and possibilities.

I breathe it in- soak it up- eyes ravenous to gaze at it all-
So beautiful, so majestic
I stare out from my perch atop the boat- wide-eyed and seeing.
Seeing, seeing. Basking in the beauty of creation.

I've done this ride one hundred times
always with the realization that this time will pass, these days will end.

We round the last bend and she lays out before us-
our little island on the edge of the world
so untamed and isolated
full of so many things broken and beautiful.

The kids are swimming off the wharf
laughing and screaming- skinny, tanned bodies that know this earth well.

Our pup waits on the beach- quick to let out a howl when he sees us
reminding us he doesn't like being left behind.

Isitolo, my student, climbs to the front of the boat and drops the anchor.
He dives off the side and joins his splashing friends.

I hear the sounds of laughter and roosters and "Te u ta'i koe".
The island's only transport- a tractor- rumbles to life in the distance.

We call out jokes and unload the boat-
passing bags of rice and noodles,
passing babies and buckets of fish.

The tractor arrives and they all implore us to"heka".
We prefer the 15 minute walk through the jungle back to our village,
even when we're loaded down with groceries and gossip and the tiredness of our once a month trip to town.

We enter our yard as the sun is setting
Greens, yellows, oranges, blues
The sky, the ocean, the trees, the flowers.

Our laundry flutters in the wind
the kids play rugby in the front yard
Our pup barks and runs and greets everyone,
always returning to his master's side
We cross the yard hand in hand

Sometimes it's easy to remember,
"We find You in everything we ever could call home". 

Body Language

Eyes averted, downcast.
Arms crossed, around body.
A voice that whispers.

Hands down at her side, clenching her dress.
I watch the hands- clasping and unclasping.

Tears in eyes. Tears in her voice.
But her mouth still smiles- she laughs even.
A few tears fall but she brushes them away and changes the subject.


Eyes staring back- empty- challenging.
Voice flat.
Body still-no tick, no nervous gesture.
Just the robotic disclosure of the most horrific events.

Eyes brimming with tears.
Chest rising and falling. Faster and faster and faster.
When fear rises, when the hard questions come up.

Head in hands.
Hands covering face.
Hands covering eyes.

Talking and talking and talking and then-a break.
An overwhelming emotion. A thought that is much too hard to voice.
And then the clenching of the jaw-over and over-until it can be voiced without letting the emotion win.

Quiet.
Clutching your one bag- full of your only possessions.
From time to time your eyes fill with tears but they never overflow.

A nervous smile.
A quiet tear.
A trembling hand.

I see.
I see it.
I see you.

But sometimes I don't say anything because there is nothing that I can do.