A prayer for my son

Mama's Prayer

God,

Thank you for this baby boy-for the timing and beauty of his arrival. We acknowledge that you created him and know him- we rest in your power as his Maker and your love as his Father. We praise your mighty works and take comfort in knowing before his days on earth began, every moment of his life was laid out and known to you.

Thank you for entrusting this gift to us. Thank you for being such a good Father, whom we can strive to learn from and love like.

We pray that we grow into this huge task of raising not one, but two children. We pray for Jubes and Pax- for the sweetest friendship, a deep love, and that they would be thick as thieves from now until forever. Give us wisdom and patience and strength as we love them and teach them and model to them in these years. May our home be filled with laughter.

We pray Paxton comes to fully know your love and the power of your peace. We pray he is drawn to your redemption ways and learns the joy of surrendering to you at an early age. May he truly delight in your presence, and earnestly seek you.

May Pax be an instrument of your peace, actively working to bring about the Shalom, the flourishing and wholeness, of all. May he love as you love. May he point the way to you, as a light in the darkness, "showing the way one foot at a time down the path of peace" (Luke 1:79). May he be like his Uncle, a man who chooses joy and delights in the wonder of life, an inextinguishable, tenacious light.

Paxton's Birthday Poem

“To Paxton Ayaanle”

This time of year the whole world stops
To hope and pray for peace on earth,
And strains of carols raise our eyes
To gaze towards that momentous birth.

And yet the Angels that once sung
Of man’s goodwill and of new life
Seem lost, like shadows in the snow
Carved out by endless war and strife.

But as we view your shining face
Our hope awakes anew again
Your humble birth seems holy like
The one who graced that blessed inn.

He ushers in a kingdom aimed
Towards Pax in Terra, but it starts
When we embrace His deep Shalom
And let His peace come heal our hearts.

So as you navigate your path
And know the depth of loss within,
May you find wholeness in His arms
That softens hardened hearts, and then
 
We pray that you would find the strength
To love when men deserve it not,
To hope when justice fails, and to
Wage peace till no more wars are fought.

Paxton's Birth Story

If you’re like me, you love a good birth story, heck even a boring birth story. There’s a million and one
ways it can all unfold and it is just pure magic whatever way it does. If you’re also like me, you
probably weren’t really into birth stories until you were pregnant/had children and that’s okay too. Or
maybe this isn’t your thing in general. Wherever you’re at with that, you’re also at my blog. =) The day
my two children were born feel like the longest day and shortest day- a million intense and magical
and serious and crazy moments packed into a short and long amount of time. Mark and I are still
remembering little moments that we never had a chance to process during all that was, and for me it’s
all the littlest moments that I want to remember. So, a detailed birth story:

We started our day much like we start every day. At 6:30 Mark was up and getting ready for work,
and I was still laying in bed (trying to) sleep. Jubes woke up and climbed into bed with me for some
morning snuggles. Mark was in the shower when I had some sudden, intense pain. I called out to him
that I was hurting and wasn’t sure what was up. After a minute or two that pain subsided and then
normal contractions started.. By 10am I was having regular contractions. When I was pregnant with
Jubes I planned to stay home as long as I thought possible, but we knew with this baby things would
play out differently for several reasons: my first birth was fairly fast, our hospital can take anywhere
from 20 minutes to 1.5 hours to get to depending on traffic, and our childcare plan was all up in the
air depending on time of day we needed to depart. But, there’s just something so nice about being
in labor at home, am I right? Jubes settled in for some morning cartoons and way too many snacks,
almost oblivious to me. She did ask at one point if I was frustrated, to which I responded, no, but
when babies come it’s hard work for mamas. ;) I scurried around the house finishing laundry and
dishes and other tasks that I didn’t want to come home to with a new baby.  Mark was teaching but
had a planning period around 10:30. When he got home and discovered via our family line group that
my contractions were timing between 4 and 6 minutes apart, he went into high alert mode and started
moving us towards the door. I kind of have a love/hate relationship with anxious Mark that shows up
during births and newborn baby life. But- after finalizing a few things, showering, calling our wonderful
friends to settle Jubi’s care, and a slow waddle out to the taxi stand- we were on our way. At that
point my contractions had slowed down and were closer to 10 minutes apart, which I attribute to my
husband’s anxiousness. =)

We got to the hospital around 12:30 but decided to hang out awhile before checking in. Our care
package is timed, so we wanted to be smart about that. But also, I didn’t want to be discouraged
by any bad news that I wasn’t dilated or baby wouldn’t come for awhile (as I had falsely been with
Jubilee). We got some yummy snacks and settled into some comfy chairs in a lobby and had some
really lovely conversation for a few hours. Every time contractions rolled around I would slowly lift
myself from my seat and walk back and forth through the pain. I got lots of smiles from passersby,
some occasional looks from an old man sitting across the room, and finally decided I was done with
the lobby when a women came and sat right next to me and openly stared at me during my
contractions. So, off to the maternity ward we went.

We checked in around 2:30. My doctor was in and asked to check for dilation after chatting with me.
She was shocked that I was dilated to a 5, baby had turned a bit and was in a better position
(he’d been posterior the last half of my pregnancy or so), and she was sure I would have the baby
before the day was over.

By 3:30 we were in the labor and delivery room. We pretty much chose this hospital and remained
with the same doctor we used for Jubes because the natural birthing room at Samitivej is awesome
and decked out with lots of tools to help you progress through your labor and manage the pain. I don’t
know if everyone has this experience with the staff there, but we love that they kind of let us run the
show. Once we figured out how to dim the lights and plug in our playlist and fill the tub- they made
themselves scarce unless we asked for them to come. One of my goals during this labor was to try to
remain active and upright for as long as possible. It was so interesting to experiment with my
movement and positioning- I could tell my labor slowed down when I laid or sat- if you are an
expecting mom and got it in you- stand! I took a short dip in the tub (because my labor is always in
my back and that warm water is the bessst) but got out as soon as I started to get a bit drowsy, as
with Jubilee I felt the tub completely zapped me of my energy. After spending more time pacing and
bracing against the ladder I was ready to rest my feet- which I had pretty much been on since 7 am. I
spent some time resting and listening to music in bed. During my labor with Jubilee I had not wanted
Mark to touch me or massage me or honestly even talk to me- I went inward to deal with the pain and
any distraction was unwanted. But this time (at the unsolicited encouragement from my doctor) Mark
helped with counterpressure on my back.

Me during labor is something like this:

Early labor: Hey babe, can you get me some water from over there. Oh, this song, love that it’s on this playlist.
Remember that time…Do you mind rubbing my back?

Mid labor: Mark- water- now. Back rub.

Transition: WATER. BACK.

Height of labor: Angry grunts that Mark must decipher or more angry and exasperated grunts will follow.

I have no idea if I spent ten minutes or two hours laying there, but during that time I was already
feeling done and done. I remembered my labor with Jubes and that my progression from 8 to 10
had felt incredibly long and hard so I waited as long as I could before asking to be checked to push.
I was very sad to hear I was only 7 cm dilated. Around this time I decided that something didn’t feel
quite right- my contractions seemed less strong and I could tell my doctor was concerned about them
and my level of fatigue. When the staff left again I told Mark I was worried that if something didn’t
happen differently soon, we would be headed towards some sort of interventions.. And as much as I
wanted to be done, like immediately (I had actually already told Mark I was ready for someone to
just “cut this baby out”), I’m also really afraid of all medical things  (like IVs and shots and major
surgeries like a cesarean). So, I hoisted my humongous self up and found my best spot (clutching
the ladder and squatting into each contraction) and within ten minutes I was ready to push. In fact,
I felt so sure baby was so close I moved to the pushing chair and instructed Mark to get ready to
catch the baby. Haha! I wasn’t quite there yet but when the doctor arrived she gave me the greenlight
and I pushed from the chair several times (and again, as before, I couldn’t have done it without
Mark’s coaching- not sure why breathing and pushing and counting aren’t all possible for me at the
same time, but they absolutely aren’t). I then moved back to the bed as my doctor felt she could
better guide the baby out and ensure a smaller wound for me from that position.

My Jubilee girl came out in just a few pushes and they put her right on my tummy. I’d remembered reading about the “breast crawl” and I watched in awe as Jubes did just that. It was beautiful and miraculous and perfect in every way and I love to think of those first few moments and they always bring me the happiest of tears.

Paxton came more slowly, and when they finally put him on my chest it was with a quick “he isn’t
breathing” and “the cord was around his neck” before they quickly rushed him out of the delivery
room, with Mark following behind. Thinking about this moment makes me cry different kinds of tears.

To say I wasn’t my best self in those moments is, well, to say the least. There may have been a time
that I would have felt a bit more untouchable from the tragedies of the world, but it has passed. And I
remember praying or saying or thinking that this will not be our story. I asked my doctor what would
happen and I honestly don’t even remember if she responded to me or not (though surely she must
have). But not long after we heard his cries. We named our son Paxton Ayaanle, and one day soon
we’ll share more about why. But we thought it fitting that he lived up to his name so very quickly, as
Ayaanle means lucky one.

Our hours following Paxton’s birth were difficult. I had a harder delivery and lost a lot of blood. I was
dizzy and faint, could barely even sit up by myself. Paxton’s oxygen levels kept dipping so after his
initial breaths and checks they brought him back so I could see him, but when his levels dipped again
they rushed him to the NICU. He was born at 7:50 pm and I didn’t get to hold him until 11:00 that night.
I know that compared to many mom’s stories, that’s nothing, but it was a lonely 3 hours for me.

We remain incredibly thankful for the care we received at our hospital, despite some of the cultural
differences and occasional communication struggles that made some moments frustrating. I’m feeling
so much better- so much better these last two weeks, and overall sooo much better than the last
several months of my pregnancy. And praise God, Paxton Ayaanle is just fine and will suffer no long
term health consequences despite his rocky beginning.

We prayed that Paxton would be bigger than his sister was (but not too big!) and a good eater (one
day maybe I’ll write about what getting Jubilee to eat was like..) and he is both!

Little man was born on December 10th at 7:50 pm weighing 7.5 pounds and 19.5 inches long.

I have been delighted to find that he is so different than Jubilee was- his sounds and movements and
needs. We can’t wait to learn him better. I’ve also been delighted to find that I am not nearly as
anxious as I was with my first…which is probably normal but super helpful. Jubilee has handled things
incredibly well. The hardest part is figuring out how to juggle them both, love them both well, and still
remain a bit sane and get a few winks of sleep. ;)

A Christmas Baby

I haven’t always spent my Christmas season in the tropics, with the air con cranked high,
a hodge podge of Christmas decor and traditions a part of my holiday celebrations.
I’ll always think there’s a little something extra special about spending Christmas in a place that
actually has a winter, there’s just a bit more romance, magic, and “rightness” to it all, in my opinion.
I remember the year I fell in love with Mark, right during my most magical first Christmas in Denver.
The snow illuminates all the city lights and it’s just… breathtaking. I loved Christmas time in Denver.

I don’t have many memories of Mark and I planning for or chatting about children.
(Back in our first years of marriage I was desperate to get overseas, and probably every
“serious” conversation we had was about my burning passions and our 5 year goal of how we’d
end up where...so almost nothing has changed except that I’m able to have this conversation way
less frequently now….like once a month instead of once a week ;))

But one of our last Christmas’ in Denver I had a “moment”. Our church, which Mark was the
Music person (pastor? Director?) for on top of his teaching job, put on a musical using Andrew
Peterson’s “Behold the Lamb” album (fantastic, btw).  I remember one night sitting in the church- for a
service or a rehearsal or some such thing. It was cold and dark outside, and dark inside too, but
the twinkling Christmas lights and friendly faces made it warm and inviting. I was sitting next to
a friend who was expecting, bursting (like I am) with life coming at any moment. The band started
singing “Labor of Love”- a song about Mary as she gives birth to Jesus. And I can remember being
so swept up in that moment- in the magic of Christmas, the strength of Mary, the whole Christmas
story. And I guess at that time I knew children were a bit far off for us, but I remember wishing that
if the time ever came for us to have a child, that I could have a child right around Christmas time,
because of the magic and beauty and power of this season.

In insignificant ways I sometimes think God remembers me. This is hard for me to think- hard for me
to say- harder still to believe and impossible not to believe. I have prayed and hoped for so many
much more significant things, and yet in this small insignificant way, I think perhaps I was heard.
Mysterious and maddening.  

I read an essay about Advent by Sarah Bessey, whom I really enjoy reading when I have the time.
She says “advent is for the ones who know longing”.

I think of our daughter and why we named her Jubilee. Because we long for restoration and
we hope to be apart of bringing His kingdom here.

I think of our son, and the name we have chosen for him, because again, still, we long.

This Advent I am longing, and very soon I will hold a new little baby in my arms. I imagine we will
sit under the blasting air con, with the twinkly lights and Oh Holy Night and all the best Christmas
songs playing many times in the next few weeks. And I pray that this Christmas season is especially
sweet as I think of Mary while holding my son.

2017

As the year comes to a close I find myself taking stock of the last year, like all of you I am sure. I am thinking back on the places we traveled (literally and figuratively) and the road we're on now.

Here's my top ten of 2017.

10. London, Geneva, and Paris

Spending a week and a half in Europe on our way home to the U.S. last summer was--incredible. We reconnected with some much loved friends who hosted and babysat us as we made our way through Europe for the first time. We loved reminiscing with them and truly thank God for bringing them into our lives. We also very much enjoyed everything about eating and walking our way through Paris, the diversity of London, and the time in the outdoors in Switzerland. A special shout out to many chats with Junita and a visit to the ICRC that rekindled what I will always believe is my life calling to (in the words of Pope Francis), "welcome, protect, promote, and integrate" refugees.

9. Jubilee's 1st Birthday

First- we kept her alive for a year.
Second- is it just me or does everything start to get a little easier around then? Like- she's still in our charge, but more than likely she's going to survive- so, I guess I can relax a little. Am I right?
Third- This little girl was loved, celebrated, and prayed over on her birthday and all the days since and that's something really special.

8. Settling In

I feel like our little family goes back and forth a lot from Bangkok to the U.S. We're super lucky to get to do that and we try to be where we are, wherever we are. But one of the things that has happened this year, which I am incredibly grateful for, is that I have felt a bit more settled in in Bangkok this year. My transition from running a program in a very intense more than full time job to sudden stay at home mom to a lovely (and needy) baby girl made 2016... a bit rocky. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what it was I was doing in Bangkok. But this year has been incredibly beautiful. Our apartment complex and surrounding community are such a blessing. I've got a handful of mamas that do life with me pretty much every day. I don't think I would survive without them. I've got several women who are a bit ahead of me on this motherhood journey and I love peppering them with questions and am so thankful they listen to my whines and worries. I have several older and wiser women who act as our Bangkok mamas/grandmas- these women's interest in our family has been a very sweet blessing.

7. Laura and Rick Visited

In May Mark's sister and brother-in-law came for a visit. We were thrilled to show them around and had so much fun doing some touristy things with them in Bangkok and travelling to Chiang Mai together. It was especially sweet to see them loving on J girl!

6. Happenstance reunions with forever friends



In June we discovered that we were scheduled to be in Florida the same week as our dear friends Nick and Beth. Getting our two families together (despite un-synced nap times and breastfeeding in a wave pool) was pure magic. It makes me teary to think about. The icing on the cake was that since we were all on vacation with family- grandparents agreed to watch the kiddos so that we could live it up drinking minimargs (or some such) and winning at a trivia night. Can't wait for our next reunion!

5. Senior Chapel

Mark was honored to address the seniors in the Senior chapel at the end of the school year last year. This group of kiddos was very special to Mark, in small part because he taught most of them twice (as sophomores and seniors), but mostly because they were an exceptional group of young people. Mark did a fantastic job expressing his pride, love, and "charge" to his "kids"- many were touched.

4. THE wedding



My baby brother grew up and found an amazing woman and went and married her (pretty much all last year!). Their wedding was beautiful in every way and I was so proud of my brother and so happy to have gained a new friend in my sister-in-law Natalie.

3. Mark's lifegroup

At the beginning of the school year Mark purposefully prayed for direction on what students to pour into for the year. Shortly after, a group of kids approached him interested in meeting with him once a week. Mark has come home week after week excited about or mulling over the content of their discussions. It's always exciting and humbling to see God answer prayers.

2. Zaki

Speaking of answered prayer... we asked all of you to give our dear friend a bus load of money, and you did. I was timid and anxious to launch our fundraising effort for Zaki and you (and so many others) blessed us all abundantly with your generosity. We can't say thank you enough.

Including "zaki" in our TOP TEN list seems a strange thing. I'm not sure I've had a darker day than when we received news of his arrest. But we are hopeful about his future, and incredibly thankful that he is in relationship with our family- that he IS apart of our family. When you think of us and him, please continue to pray that his process with the Canadian government would be miraculously speedy and that he would remain strong in the detention center in Bangkok.

1. Christmas in California

There's always something magical about being at my parent's home for the holidays. And seeing them be lolli and pops with Jubilee is truly a gift.


2017 was full of a lot of life. Some moments were mundane- (too) early morning wake ups and dishes and babies that won't nap. Some moments were so full of all the best parts of living that we laughed until we cried (or probably for me, cried until I laughed). Some moments we despaired- sat in silent tears broken about the realities of the world. May our next year be just as full of moments mundane and magical. May we learn how to live in the brokenness of the world while hoping for and working towards His Kingdom.

Jubi's top ten:
10. nakey baby
9. Dijah
8. Emmie
7. Maxy
6. Outside
5. MoMo
4. Happy Feet
3. Aya
2. mamas milkies
1. raaraa
**These are the words she said over the course of writing this post- though this random sampling is pretty accurate. Special mention to pops and yaya (lolli), one more cheese please, "2", and "jot ay" (peek a boo in Thai)